The Home Stretch!

Tonight, I broke 40K. Woot!

Suddenly, some of the pressure's relaxed. Loose ends are tying up. My poor little MC is having a bad day that's about to get worse. I'm writing toward a climax.

And the wonderful thing is, it really does get easier when you get closer to the end.

***

It's been a while since I had something that (I thought) was excerpt-worthy, but I do have one right here from last night's sessions. It's something adapted from the last draft of my short story, only filled out a little more, and re-reading it just got to me a little. So, figure that's one worth sharing.

The setup: Neil's been noticing some really weird behavior on his sister's part, so he's going to confront their dad on it and get some advice. It doesn't really go so well. In the original story, this scene happened at home, but didn't really have the right tension. For this version, Neil decides to skip a class (which leads to a really lame cliche filler scene where he gets beat up by some punks... but whatever. we won't talk about the lame cliche filler scenes. ;)) to have this conversation in his Dad's office. (Dad happens to teach English at Neil and Jon's high school)

Anyway. Putting the scene at school instead of home seems to change the mood and dynamic a bit. But this first excerpt was lifted straight from the original, with some reworking. I always liked this part... bittersweet, and contrasting with where the family is now.

(Side note: Renting NC cabins = the Floridian vacation of choice. Seriously. :))

***

"And just why were you in the faculty hall?"

Neil raised his eyes and peeked at his father. He was taking a sip from a chipped coffee mug from his college days, one with his alma mater's logo. He set it down with a heavy thump, then said, "Neil. Did you hear me?"

"I did..." He looked at the desk, focused on the back of a photo frame.

"Then why were you in the hall? I know you were supposed to be in geometry, so it appears you skipped class." Neil just fidgeted and said nothing. "Is something bothering you?"

He shrugged his skinny shoulders once, then reached over and picked up the frame. His dad made no move to protest. When he turned the wood frame over, he held his breath.

It was a family photo from some Christmas past. They were outside in the snow, standing in front of a cabin they rented one winter in North Carolina. There were tree limbs in the background, bent with snow. And they stood together, bundled in their thin-blooded Floridian winter finest.

And she was with them. Smiling in a green sweater, her wavy hair, the same coppery color as Neil's, flowing out from under a matching cap, a colorful scarf draped around her neck. It was long then and so beautiful... before the treatments had taken it all away from her. Her eyes sparkled with life, before the cancer ate the spark away. And they all looked younger, happier, more alive then. Dad had an awkward grin on his face as he posed with one arm tightly around his beautiful wife's shoulders. Neil and Jon were barely nine, and had glints in their eyes as if they would break out into a snowball fight any second, though Jon's grin was a lot more mischievous, while Neil smiled as shyly as ever. Shanna was a gangly twelve year old with freckles and stick straight auburn hair, standing between her brothers with her arms protectively around their shoulders.

Neil felt a lump in his throat. "This was taken... like six years ago, right?"

"It was. You remember that year?"

"Yeah. That was fun."

He just nodded without answering. Neil could feel his hands trembling as he stared at the picture, falling into his mother's eyes. Into all of their smiling faces. He wanted so badly to see these people again... they seemed lost, frozen in time. He barely recognized them now.

"Are you thinking about her?"

"I..." He couldn't stand to look at the picture anymore. He handed it back. "I miss her."

***

Sadness. :(

Okay, so then... there's this whole scene where I really tried to play up the tension between them. Neil tells his dad everything he's observed in Shanna, but he doesn't seem too concerned. And then he basically says, "Yeah, I know, but she won't listen to me." Which ticks off the concerned, sensitive teenage son, but he tries to keep his cool and be respectful. Mostly.

One comment I got from the early version of this scene was that they acted like strangers, so I tried to play that up. The whole conversation is melodramatic purple prose I don't feel like sharing with the world, so nyah. :P But there was this one little bit I really liked... so world, you can have this:

***

“I keep trying, but I just can’t seem to reach her. So… so I’m letting her sort this one out on her own. You have to believe me. I’m not ignoring my own precious daughter.”

“But if she’s that broken, she can’t just fix herself,” Neil said without looking up.

“And I certainly can’t fix her either. The rest is up to her.”

Neil looked up and stared straight into his father’s eyes. They looked like a stranger’s eyes. He didn’t seem like himself. Neither of them did.

“So you’re giving up.” It was more of a statement than a question.

He said nothing in response.

***

Oh noes! To be continued. I'm liking this story again.